As I sit here thinking about the weekend ahead I am filled with so many uncomfortable feelings – anxiety, dread, fear, anticipation, doubt, uncertainty…
You see, on Friday I am getting a plane and heading to Milan by myself.
I’ve only ever travelled alone once before, and the only part I had to do alone was fly. I was 17 and heading to Germany to visit people I already knew. It was familiar and I had the comfort of a lovely family around me once I got there.
This time however, I am doing everything by myself. It’s only for a couple of nights and yet somehow I feel like I’m about to go trekking up Mount Everest!
I am trying to put my organisational skills to good use and be as prepared as possible. The airport is an hour outside the city and I’ve already booked a coach that stops right outside where I’m staying. I’ve picked a hostel and the reviews online have given me some hope that I won’t feel totally alone while I’m there. At the very least I’ll be staying somewhere safe for the few days.
My plan is to do some tours around the city on Friday and then on Saturday I want to explore a Christmas market and some of Milano’s famous fashion district. I also will be on a mission to be locate a good sushi restaurant – and yes I know the phrase “when in Rome” literally comes from Italy! I SHOULD delve into the world of Carbonara but unfortuantly dairy is not my friend so that rules that out. Hence – I will be finding sushi!!
Writing about the trip does make me feel excited in a way, but I am also filled with all the uncomfortable feelings that I opened this blog post talking about.
I am doing this alone.
I will never have been so alone in my entire life.
It is such a scary thought. It’s so scary that the closer I get to going means that my inner voice, the one that has whispered doubts about myself and the world into my ear for as long as I can remember, is working hard to try to talk me out of doing it.
I know that to listen to it would be to miss out on taking this massive step towards my self development.
As I think about it more and more, I realise that I am giving the word ‘alone’ too much power. ‘Independent’ has a much better ring to it.
I have spent my entire life relying on other people for one thing or another. Now, as I sit here at 27, with the fear of god bubbling away inside me, I know that I need to find out who I am without all of these people.
I need to find out who I am.
Just how independent am I? Can I fall in love with myself? Do I have inner-strength?
Someone who is already independent and reading this may think I am being dramatic, and that’s ok. I hope that down the line I will read back on this, smile to myself and think, “Honey wait until you see just how much you are capable of. I love you for taking that first step because that’s what made me the woman I am today”.
To future Me I want to say right now, “I am so scared. I’m scared to push myself to the absolute limit, but I’m doing it for you – I want you to be happy and to be able to live the best possible version of your life.”
Set backs are inevitable in life and never too far away. I feel like I am climbing a mountain of self awareness right now, this is just one more step.
Life changes so quickly and you have to be ready to be your best every day. A lack of independence and self belief are two things that have held me back for a long time. This simply cannot be the case anymore.
I know that I NEED to go to Milan on Friday. I need to take this teeny-tiny trip and push myself off the edge of comfortable for a few days.
I need to face the fear.
I need to go and let go.
Written with love,